i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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