when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
