There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
