i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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