Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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