having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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