Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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