so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
