I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
