"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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