Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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