don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
