I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize