There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
