OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
