why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
