i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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