I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
