Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
