I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
