i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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