We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
