My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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