I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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