I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
