I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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