So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
