based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
