some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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