Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
