I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
