I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
