guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
