Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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