you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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