all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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