I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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