I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
