I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
