Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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