Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
