Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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