Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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