I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Congratulations! We have a period
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