I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize