Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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