Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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