Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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