Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
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