non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
