You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I miss vodka workout Fridays
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
