with your own penis?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize