i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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