dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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