I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
