i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
