my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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