Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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